Breaking the “yes” habit
Are you one of those people who find themselves overwhelmed by the demands of others? Are you maybe feeling chronically fatigued by all you have to do and finding there are simply not enough hours in a day? You give and give of your time and energy but it’s never sufficient to appease the needs of friends, spouses, bosses, parents, children or other family members. They are constantly asking just more thing of you.
Maybe you prepare yourself repeatedly to say “no” to the next request that comes your way. You even practice what you’re going to say. However when you are approached with a request, your resolve fails and you get that dull sensation in your chest as you hear yourself say “ yes...of course” one more time. If some or most of the above apply to you, then you have a Yes habit.
A “Yes” habit may mean that you may have problems establishing personal boundaries. Personal boundaries are limits we establish for ourselves in relationships. They inform others of the extent to which we are willing to engage with them. It is not uncommon for people to have their boundaries violated in childhood, maybe from abuse or demanding, insensitive parents or other offensive situations. People who have problems establishing personal boundaries typically have problems being assertive with others. There are discernible verbal and behavioral qualities of people who can’t say no.
“Yes” habit individuals are non-assertive in their communication. Verbally they can be apologetic, inhibited, avoidant and indirect. They are overly concerned with hurting the feelings of others and invested in being seen as “nice”. It’s not unusual for them to be self-defeating, self-devaluing and have trouble finding their words. They can also become hostile or aggressive when they get to the point of deep frustration.
Behaviorally non-assertive people tend to avert their eyes while speaking, their voices can be weak or hesitant and they tend to fidget while talking. Their posture may be stooped or hunched over and they appear limp or collapsed in a way that they believe makes them non-threatening to others. They are often ready to agree with the other person, even if they really feel differently. Emotionally they feel hurt and taken advantage of by others. They harbor feelings of resentment and guilt, while holding expectations that others will truly see them as special or wonderful, for their willingness to be martyrs. They often believe that people are “out to get them” and may often blame others for things that go wrong in their lives.
It takes courage and compassion to change “Yes” habit behavior. Recognizing that this is a problem brings you one step closer to change. It can also take time, as “Yes” behavior it to be deeply rooted in person’s view of themselves and of the world. This may be their mechanism for coping with the insecurity or uncertainty they feel in the world. Nevertheless it can cause great unhappiness and psychological suffering. It is not always obvious, as many with this problem may appear successful in their lives, yet nevertheless experience a great deal of suffering due to their inability to say “no”.
Therapy is a great way to address “Yes” habit behavior and eliminate non- assertive communication. You don’t need to live your life feeling that you don’t have the option to say no. So say “No” to the “Yes” habit and get yourself some help today.
