Unlearning Self-Negation -Part 1
Waterfall in Dominica
Unlearning Self-Negation
“I’m not good enough” “Nobody likes me” “I’ll never succeed” “I’m so stupid” “I’m a burden to everyone” - These are just a few examples of what we call self-negation. A destructive pattern of behavior that involves self-criticism, self-blame, self-hatred and self-doubt. We’ve all self-negated at some point in our lives when we were disappointed, frustrated or things weren’t going our way. However, some people’s self-negation is constant - like a way of life or a system of belief.
When you self-negate, you deny or reject aspects of your identity, beliefs or values. You invalidate or diminish yourself and your experiences like putting yourself down or sacrificing your needs for others. Think of it as prioritizing everything and everyone else before yourself even if it hurts or destroys you. This comes with feelings of low self-esteem, negative self-image and a desire to conform to social expectations.
Here are a few more examples of self-negation:
You constantly apologize even when you’ve done nothing wrong. You might even take responsibility for faults that aren’t your fault or feel guilty for things beyond your control.
You downplay your talents and accomplishments. You feel uncomfortable when people praise or compliment you even when you deserve it or you’ve accomplished success.
You hardly or never take risks because you’re afraid of failure or rejection. You don’t think your dreams are achievable or you don’t see yourself as someone who can achieve them.
Your self-negation may be because of the following factors:
Childhood experiences: If you experienced trauma like abuse or neglect or negative experiences like constant belittling by your guardians, you may have developed a belief that you were unworthy or unimportant which you carried into adulthood.
Social conditioning: Some social and cultural norms encourage humility and selflessness as good values while assertiveness and self-expression are negative traits. Women are specially conditioned to not blow their trumpets, stand up for themselves or express their needs and desires.
Perfectionism: If you constantly strive for perfection, you may set unrealistic standards for yourself and engage in negative self-talk when you fall short. This also goes hand in hand with fear of failure, criticism and rejection which reinforces self-negation.
